Stay Out Of My Life - Stay Out Of My Death
I'm writing this on Saturday, August 6, 2011, the day of my father's passing. For almost a week he was in the care of an incredibly supportive team of hospice doctors, nurses and aides at Highland Hospital in Rochester, NY.
My Dad was a strong and active man throughout much of his life, and nearly 30 years ago - while still very much in his prime - he made it clear to both my brother, Ed, and I that he never wanted to end up being kept alive in some faltering, incapacitated state. His precise words were something to the effect that should he ever lose the ability to think or act independently and have to depend on full time nursing care and/or artificial means of life support he wanted to be "killed."
In fact, Dad was so adamant about this that he completed a living will some years later making his wishes on this matter clear beyond question.
On Thursday, July 28th, 2011 my father suffered a severe hemorrhagic stroke that left him partially paralyzed and unable to eat, speak or independently manage even the most basic of physical functions. For two days the ER doctors worked diligently to stabilize his condition before consulting with my brother as to my Dad's wishes regarding further life-sustaining measures.
Referring back to the previously mentioned living will, the medical team was instructed to forego any additional efforts to keep him alive.
By their own consensus Dad would have been wheelchair bound, would most likely have never regained the ability to speak or effectively communicate with the outside world, and would have required a feeding tube and some kind of 24/7 nursing care in order to make it from one day to the next. Given that he was already experiencing hearing loss, advancing dementia, and a constitution that was feeling the effects of old age prior to the stroke, Dad would have been facing the exact quality of life he was most opposed to.
With a clear understanding of our father's wishes my brother and I felt completely okay about turning him over to hospice for end-of-life care.
And before going any further, let me say that this article isn't in any way meant to be a specific critique of hospice and the role it serves in the dying process. The people involved in taking care of my father in his final days were the kindest, most compassionate and heroic caregivers one could ever ask for. Over the course of six days they provided round-the-clock attention and monitoring that virtually assured my Dad wasn't experiencing any pain or discomfort as he neared the end.
He was plugged into a Morphine drip that - along with scheduled injections of Ativan - kept him in a near-comatose state where (we assume and hope) he was removed from any awareness of dying and/or the pain of physical deterioration. However, as we sat with him day after day marking time until his inevitable demise, Ed, his wife, Donna, and I became ever more incensed at an end-of-life process that seemed anything but humane to either the person dying or the loved ones forced to watch helplessly from the sidelines.
Though the hospice procedure Dad underwent is sometimes referred to as "letting the patient die with dignity," it might be more aptly described as "slowly killing the patient by starvation and dehydration."
This is a process that if conducted in any setting outside of an appropriately staffed and supervised hospice environment would be considered cruel, barbaric and inhumane. As civilized and compassionate human beings we would NEVER allow a beloved pet suffering from the ravages of age or a terminal illness to slowly die this way. We would end its misery immediately by "putting it to sleep." In fact, that same standard of mercy is typically applied to pretty much ANY animal whose pain and suffering we have the ability to end.
Even more astonishing is that we allow and provide the same expedited "send off" to convicted felons on death row! Death by lethal injection is now the preferred method of execution in those states that still sanction and carry out capital punishment. It's a largely painless procedure that usually does its job in about 10 minutes. Compare that to the six days it took hospice to kill my father via a death-with-dignity protocol and you'll begin to understand why we became so pissed off.
Until experiencing the death of a loved one first hand I never quite got the Big To-Do surrounding the life and practice of Dr. Jack Kevorkian, a.k.a. "Dr. Death." Between 1990 and 1998, Kevorkian assisted in the deaths of 130 terminally ill people.
In each of those cases, the individuals themselves allegedly took the final action that resulted in their own deaths. Kevorkian only assisted in that process by attaching the individual to a "euthanasia device" that he had made. The individual then pushed a button that released the drugs or chemicals that would end his or her own life.
Despite performing a service that was requested by each and every patient, Kevorkian was persecuted and ultimately prosecuted for his actions. Beginning in 1999, Kevorkian served eight years of a 10-to-25-year prison sentence for second-degree murder. He was released on parole on June 1, 2007; on condition he would not offer suicide advice to any other person.
More recently we were treated to the public spectacle of the Terri Schiavo case; a seven year US legal battle - lasting from 1998 to 2005 - between the legal guardians and the parents of Teresa Marie "Terri" Schiavo that ultimately involved Congress and President George W. Bush. At the heart of the matter was the right of Terri's husband to choose (on her behalf) the merciful and expedited termination of her "life," which at that time was defined by doctors as being a "persistent vegetative state."
How can this be? How can a society that condones the "merciful" and immediate killing of suffering animals and death row inmates NOT allow fellow human beings (or their legally appointed guardians) the right of choice when it comes to their own deaths? What gives any government agency, medical association or religious institution the authority to overrule the wishes of clear-headed individuals on a matter of such personal and critical importance as the way in which they want to be allowed to die?
According to recent surveys nearly 70% of Americans polled support euthanasia. But for some unfathomable reason the wishes of those nearly 220 million people are being ignored.
America was founded on the principles of freedom of choice and the rights of the individual. Unfortunately, we've seen many of those rights eroded or completely taken away over the years because of the influence of special interest groups and entities whose own agendas or beliefs trump those of the common citizen. While there are clearly areas where government oversight and guidance is welcome and necessary, this isn't one of them.
I don't need nor do I want someone else's beliefs (religious or otherwise) dictating what I can and can't do! All of us should have the right to live our lives and choose our means of death without interference from anyone. As long as my actions and choices don't cause direct harm to another person they should be honored without question or debate.
It should have been possible for my Dad's life to be immediately extinguished instead of sustained for days on end. EVERYONE should have that choice, and they should know upon making it that their wishes will be honored and carried out. Let's reclaim the promise offered by our Founding Fathers and take back our rights as freethinking individuals. Only then will we be able to choose not only our way of life, but also our way of death.
Get To The WHY Of The Matter (Part 2)
Shortly after posting "Get To The WHY Of The Matter" a couple of weeks ago a friend sent me a direct response to the article posing some interesting questions and observations that didn't occur to me would come up as a result of reading it.
The gist of his feedback was that asking the WHY questions could be a daunting, highly analytical, almost endless process because it would have to be applied to nearly EVERY scenario we might ever face in life before beginning anything. He went on to describe a process involving the diagramming of all potential obstacles and possible solutions (along with their respective good or bad outcomes) as a way to determine whether something is worth pursuing. What follows is my word-for-word response to him....
Your take on the process is an interesting one, however I'm not sure Getting To The WHY Of The Matter requires such deep analysis. In fact, that level of analysis could very well lead to paralysis...a frozen state where NO action is taken because there are too many variables to consider.
First of all, I'd only recommend this process for "significant" life initiatives or goals. There are a lot of things we do that don't really require a great deal of introspection, and to put those lesser actions through the diagnostic wringer would surely take a lot of the joy out of living.
My experience has been that this process is actually better served by taking a LESS analytical approach. A series of WHY questions fired off in rapid succession doesn't give the brain time to get overly involved. This is something that ideally triggers an intuitive response; one that's based more in emotion than logic and reason.
Remember, virtually all human behavior is primarily driven by a powerful need to avoid pain or fear. The desire to experience pleasure is in there too, but it nearly always takes a back seat to pain and fear. So what it comes down to is that every significant initiative we undertake is driven by a reason based on some combination of those three emotional states.
Interesting to note is that Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is also largely based on the fundamental pain/fear/pleasure motivators. Those needs, when recognized and addressed, will be fulfilled by actions whose WHY reasons can be distilled down into something having to do with escaping pain or fear and/or pursuing pleasure. Once we recognize that we can decide if the action itself is warranted, or if there's a better, more efficient way to arrive at the same destination.
I concluded the above response with the same two word question that I now ask you: Make sense?
Get To The WHY Of The Matter
This post was inspired by a recent conversation I had with a friend that I hadn't seen or spoken to in a few months. She was telling me about her latest personal and professional triumphs and the goals she's now diligently pursuing with a passion.
I was impressed because she's someone who has a "take no prisoners" approach to her career, and figured given her ability to completely immerse herself in work she'd probably nail them with ease. However, as I asked her some probing questions about those goals it became evident to both of us that she wasn't entirely clear on what accomplishing them would actually mean to her!
Like a lot of people, she's chasing after something for a reason that on the surface seems perfectly sensible; it solves a problem or otherwise benefits her in some measurable way. But under close examination it sometimes turns out to be a reason completely unrelated to or even at odds with the REAL reason. Allow me to explain...
Let's start with the simple premise that virtually everything we do is guided by an ulterior motive; a gut-level mandate that we frequently have no immediate conscious awareness of. We make decisions on courses of action, set all kinds of goals, and choose one thing over another sometimes without having the foggiest idea of WHY we're doing it or what we really hope to gain as a result.
Whether due to intellectual laziness or a lack of emotional intelligence, the absence of reasoned specificity in our decision-making process frequently leads us down the wrong path for all the "right" reasons.
We make decisions because we believe they're in our best interests or because they fill a perceived void in our lives. But without bothering to first ask a series of "drill-down" questions - whose purpose is to get to the foundational need driving the whole process - this is very much a crap shoot...a roll of the dice.
You see this all the time! People start down a path because they have some vaguely defined outcome, desire or need in mind. What they've never bothered to ask is "Why am I doing this, or what does this outcome do for me if I achieve it?"...and then asking the same questions again and again and again in response to whatever answer(s) they come up with each go around.
At some point in this Q&A process you reach the end of the line; an answer that reveals the REAL reason - the WHY - behind the (potentially misguided) course of action. And very often it's either in direct conflict with the outcome we're so doggedly trying to realize, or an outcome that could be reached with a fraction of the effort and angst the original course of action would have required!
That's why a lot of people in life end up frustrated and unfulfilled even when they're accomplishing what they set out to do. They're pursuing something because on some superficial level they think it's going to fill the hole, satisfy the need or scratch the itch. However, because they never took the time to dig down and ask the tough questions they end up following a map whose directions lead them to the wrong destination.
Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever invested ridiculous amounts of time, effort and/or money attempting to accomplish or acquire something only to feel empty or unfulfilled when you achieve or get it? If so, it could be that the reason fueling your actions was several times removed from the REAL reason...the "bottom line" WHY of the matter.
Before you map out or tackle your next big capital-intensive, time-consuming, life and/or business-altering initiative, be sure to dive into interrogation mode and ask a series of WHY questions to confirm that the outcome you're shooting for is in sync with and is supported by the reason that's stoking the fire in your furnace. If it's not, go back to the drawing board and conjure up a new strategy. If it is, then damn-the-torpedoes, full steam ahead! Either way you'll end up following a course of action that virtually assures you of a satisfying outcome that justifies the time and effort spent.
A Lesson In Personal Responsibility
Had an encounter earlier this week that still raises my blood pressure a couple of points when I think back on it. I'll wager you've experienced something similar one or more times in your life as well.
I was grabbing a late breakfast at the local diner after a morning business meeting. Even though it was still before noon the parking lot was already packed with cars. No doubt the early lunch crowd was cued up and ready to eat. I lucked out and spotted a vacant space right near the front door. Despite it being somewhat of a tight fit I managed to pull my car in so I was almost perfectly positioned between the yellow demarcation lines of my particular parking space. Before shutting off the car and heading in I sized up the amount of space the cars on either side of me were left to work with.
The car to my left had an adequate amount of elbowroom for opening both the front and rear doors, however the car on my passenger side was going to have a tougher time of it. The owner of that car had parked OVER the yellow line and was encroaching into my space by a few inches. There was room for access and egress, but it was going to require a delicate touch with the doors and maybe a bit of contorting to squeeze into their car.
For a nanosecond I debated parking in a different spot...one that would have been several rows away from the diner entrance. But then I thought, "why should a perfectly good parking space go unused because this person (on the right) wasn't considerate enough to park THEIR car well within the yellow boundary lines of THEIR parking space?". I decided to stay put.
Three eggs, home fries, turkey bacon, toast and coffee later I returned to my car to find both of the adjacent neighboring cars still where I left them 45 minutes earlier. At the same instant I opened the driver’s door to jump behind the wheel my cell phone rang. I decided to take the call on the spot – while still parked – rather than try to talk while attempting to back out of the parking space.
Sitting in the driver's seat a couple of minutes into the call I felt (and heard) a pretty loud "thunk" coming from the right rear passenger side of my car...like the sound of a car door hitting me! Still talking on the phone I turned to my right and cocked my head to see who had opened their door into the side of my car. I couldn't make it out clearly from my vantage point, but it looked like someone was now sitting in the left rear passenger seat of the car to my right. The driver was nowhere to be seen.
I resumed my conversation only to be interrupted a moment later by the same loud jarring thunk! This time it was apparent that the person who'd been in the rear passenger seat had opened the door (once again into my car) and was exiting their car. This person – a middle-aged woman as it turns out – was now maneuvering her way into the driver's seat of her car.
For a THIRD TIME I heard and felt the impact of her car door into the side of my car...this time as she threw open the driver's door. Now, however, she paused after doing it to give me a glaring look of anger and disgust through the right front passenger window of my car! That was the last straw. I tossed down my cell phone in mid-sentence, jumped out of my car and confronted her. "Lady, do you have problem?", I asked.
She immediately launched into a tirade about how inconsiderate I was to have parked in such a way as make it difficult for her to get into her car! Never mind the fact that she had parked well before I got there in such a way that ANYONE attempting to use the adjacent parking space was going to have to deal with her lack of consideration (a point I was quick to make in response to her off-the-wall rant); she was dead set on making me the bad guy and shirking her own responsibility in creating the problem. More importantly, she could have just as easily tapped on my window while I was still in the car talking on the phone and nicely asked me if I'd move my car so that she could easily get into hers. I would have done it in a heartbeat; sparing two temper tantrums and three "dings" on the right side of my car in the process. That would have been too easy, though. Instead, she was all about assigning blame and avoiding responsibility.
It was on the verge of getting BIG TIME ugly when I decided that rather than throw more fuel on the fire I'd bite my tongue and let her drive off in a huff.
Charged with adrenaline, I got back in my car and attempted to resume the interrupted phone call. Unfortunately for the person still waiting on the other end I instantly launched into my own rant – about stupid irresponsible people – while attempting to explain the interruption. Thankfully the caller was a friend who could appreciate the situation. Upon finishing the call I sat there stewing for a couple of additional minutes before starting the car.
As I tried to objectively assess the encounter, it occurred to me I had to assume my own responsibility in causing the incident. Had I simply chosen NOT to park in the space once I realized it was going to be too close for comfort the obnoxious episode would never have happened. My bad! But that realization in no way excused “Ms. Manners” from her even bigger responsibility faux pas. To park in a manner that virtually assured she was going to get hemmed in and inconvenienced and then to go ballistic on the party (for being inconsiderate of her) that decided to grab the space demonstrated a colossal lack of personal responsibility on her part. You can't have it both ways. Like the old adage says: every time you point your finger three more point back at you.
If you ever find yourself in a similar situation any time in the future, keep the following thought in mind: accepting personal responsibility for all the circumstances in our lives isn't always the easiest (or most fun) thing to do, but it's an absolute necessity if you're striving to become a more fully functioning human being. Dr. Wayne Dyer eloquently sums it up best in this recent blog post: Accept Responsibility